The Soldier Next Door

If my mind thought it was deceiving it, my eyes are telling me that I surely am not.

Ana has just arrived on our doorstep again. Why she has not entered the room, that I do not know. There is a slight hesitation about her which I am sure anyone would feel after what we have been through these past few days. I will not question her, for right now, I do not know what her intention is, and I damn well do not want another argument either.

So it is with a tiny jolt of energy back into my bones that I can barely stop myself from smiling. As my eyes leave hers, I find the only thing that really matters in this world. Yes, I know that I need to say that Ana is along there somewhere. But right now, I am reluctant to open myself to that possibility again.

Yet, I do have to admit, “You have no idea I am happy to see you and Lucas.” I pause for a brief moment as I rush over and place a tiny peck on the little man’s forehead, then I continue again, “Ana…”

She immediately interrupts me; under a strained breath, she starts to speak softly, “Ethan, I owe you such a great apology; I don’t know what came over me. I was so mad with fury after I saw you with that woman.”

“But, I have explained to you so many times now that there is no other woman. It was…” And as I glance over to Gibbs’s side, he only but nods his head in agreement, “It was Gibbs’s ex-girlfriend.”

She goes quiet for a brief moment, and I know what is playing in her head. That doubt that hangs between us that suspends us in the air, that doubt is still there. I can see that in her eyes.

Does that bring a new sting to my heart?

Of course.

I won’t be fucking human.

But I need to push my feelings back and think about her; well, I need to think about Lucas. I need to come to the realization that within the next couple of minutes, things can turn horribly wrong again, and this time I am not letting my son out of this house.

So as long as Ana is here, then Lucas is here too.

And that is all that matters, but…

“How are you feeling, Ana?”

“It hurts like a goddamn bitch. I am not okay, Ethan. I have not been okay in a long time.”

I drop my head in shame, for I know that my actions were what led this to happen, “Ana, I am so sorry, I did not think that I would ever hurt you.”

She slowly brings her finger up and places the tip of it against my lips, preventing me from saying another word, “Ethan, you did not know that I would descend on Ray’s house like a mad woman and that everything would just unravel from there.”

“Ya,” I only but smirk. “Where the fuck did you get the strength to throw that goddamn chair?”

She softly giggles, “You would be amazed what I can do.”

As I shake my head at her, I can do nothing but laugh, “Trust you to say something like that.” Then I pause for a brief moment. “Fuck, I don’t want to know what you will do when you are really pissed off at me. I must give it to you, Ana, for this Marine, you have made me experience more battles here than on the battlefield.”

“You know why?” She softly whispers. “I am the thing that makes you weak. You are a man to be reckoned with, but you will never truly hurt me. But,” she slightly cocks her head. “There is a lot to be said about a scorned woman.”

“Well, ya, but…”

And I so want to tell her…

Fuck that.

“But I love you. And I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it. I will love you till even after my end has come, I will take my love for you beyond the grave.”

“Ethan, I…”

“Ssshhh, Ana. You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I want to. So please just listen to me for a moment.” And as she takes one deep breath, I can hear something else. There is something in her voice that I have never heard before, that anger, that pain, whatever it is that has her boiling still has a hold on her.

“Ana, please, come get some rest. You must be exhausted from being up with Lucas. I will go lie him done. You go rest.”

“No, I need to tell you this…” She goes silently for a few seconds, and as she speaks again, my heart crumbles once again. “This might be the last time that I will ever say this to you.”

“Ana, please listen to me; stop being so goddamn stubborn. You need to rest. We can talk about this later.”

Her voice hitches a pitch, and ya, I know that I should not be pissing this woman off again.

Who knows what the fuck she will be throwing next?

“Ethan, what I did, was totally unforgivable. But, the thing is, what I have realized is that it is my insecurities, my fear of letting myself go. That is what led me to hate you.”

“But, that is just normal.”

“Really? How is it normal that fling a chair as someone’s head?”

“Well,” I chuckle at her again. “I have pretty good reflexes, so you would have missed any case.”

She goes quiet, and I see her search for the words. “Yes, that might be true, but the thing that is the saddest and what I know that hurts you the most… Is… I… I just wish I knew how I can love you the way that you love me.”

“Ana, love is not a competition. You need not to love me just the same. All that does matter in the end is that you do love me. I have never asked you to change who you are. I knew from the start, very sadly, that you might never love me the same. But I have come to peace with that, and it does not make me want to be with you any less than I do.”

I can see the turmoil in her eyes as she is fighting a battle between her heart and her mind. Though stubborn, Ana pushes forward, “I think, and I have been wondering as I have been falling in and out of my mind…”

“What do you mean by that? What do you mean that you are falling in and out of your mind?

“Ethan, I… There is, well…”

“Listen here, Ana, I feel enough for you to know that we belong together. I don’t know how, but I think, and I know with you that you will find a way.”

But I am saying this though I know that she has always been careful with her heart, and it makes me hesitate that she has come to a change of heart.

I am in no way saying that I am not happy, but I need to protect myself.

I cannot fucking hurt anymore.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

No matter how much I love this woman.

So do I want to believe what she is trying to say?

“Ana, you have run so many times; I am scared that you are, well, I am scared that when you run away next, you will be running away for good this time.”

“Ethan, what I am trying to say here is that I am sorry. I am so goddamn sorry that I have broken your heart so many times before. And the thing is, I can’t promise you that I will not break it again.”

“I think you can slice me open as many times as you want, for every time that you do come back, you make some of those pieces whole. And those pieces are enough to love you with everything that I have.”

“But it should not be like that.”

“No person is perfect, and we will never be equal. Fuck if we were on the same wavelength here, then I think you would drive me mad.”

“But I already drive you mad.”

“Ana, that is a good mad. What you fail to understand is the depth of my feelings for you. Nothing! Nothing you can throw at me, and god, please don’t throw a chair, but nothing will stop me from loving you the same way.”

“Ethan…”

“No, please go lie down; we can talk about this later again.”

And with that, as she gives me one last glance with a hint of something in her eyes that I cannot explain, she turns around and disappears off in the direction of Lucas’s room. But somehow, this time, as I look at her back while she is walking away, I think that perhaps this time it might just be the last time that I will see her walking away.